If I could turn back the hands of time, I would tell my 23 year-old-self to remain calm. "You're going to be okay. You will exceed your dreams and everyone's expectations," I would say to her.
The decision to move to a country whose language is not native to my tongue, whose culture is so foreign and exotic from and whose people look so different that I stand out was scary but also appealing. For these and more reasons, no one in my family actually thought I was going to last more than a year in Germany. "Yes you speak the language," said my uncle "but German can not bring food to the table of an African person!" I do not know where he got his certainty from but he sounded very convincing. Other friends that knew about decision to pursue further studies with the goal of working in Germany said that they had only associated the country with the Mercedes, BMW, Porsche, VW and Audi they never considered it a study destination nor a "fun place" to work. "Why not at least Amsterdam?" they asked.
In hind sight, I am grateful that I did not waiver from the road that was guided by my gut. The journey to the pinnacle of my career has been a roller coaster with many highs and lows. If I knew then what I now know, I would have been a more relaxed and easy-going 20-year-old. Living abroad is not a walk in the park. You have to be cut out for it. Here are ten lessons for my enthusiastic, ambitious and naïve 23 year-old-self:
Do not faint at the thought of having to start allover again. Remove the timetables that society considers a conventional standard to live by. So many influential people have re-invented themselves and done amazing things at ages 40, 50 and yes, even at 60. You might have to choose a different degree program, change universities or join a coveted university that won't accept all of your qualifications from your home country - a reality in many German universities. Take heart, you will still finish your degree.
It is absolutely fine to study a semester or year longer, you will still graduate. A new educational system can be difficult to navigate for many international students. In my case, my university's international students' mentoring programmes had yet not been established during my undergraduate studies. All international students seemed to be "Einzelkämpfer" - i.e. swimming against the tide one student at a time. It gets exhausting physically, mentally and psychologically. So be more kind and lenient with yourself. And, if it is any consolation at all, more than half of all 'home-grown' students in Germany do not finish their degree within the stipulated time either.
Find some good acquaintances - "allies" - or diaspora NGOs to give you moral and material support as a newbie on your trips to the Ausländerbehörde, bank or any public authority. You will need a lot of patience and analytical skills such reading the law in order to understand what you are entitled to and in order understand German bureaucracy. In company of people who are familiar with the system you will generally be less stressed out about navigating issues regarding residency, social security, student loans, pension schemes etc.
Find a solid social circle of friends that can relate with you and your situation living abroad. Find these people early as they can be your eyes into the new culture. They will help you understand 'hidden codes' of your new home. The mentality of an entire culture, the traditions, the philosophy, the 'whys' and 'hows' of cultural rituals is not easy to decipher on your own.
Take your mental health seriously. Do not be afraid of seeking the services of a coach, psychologist, therapist or qualified religious counsellor when you catch yourself in a black hole of never-ending self-doubt and Ohnmacht. Remember, you are juggling many balls at a time and living abroad is not a bed of roses if you are on your own.
Consistently check in on yourself. Have some honest conversations with yourself - do you want to live and work abroad after your studies? Is life here anything like you imagined it would be and more or would you rather catch the next flight back home with all your belongings? Either way, your feelings are valid and do not ignore them.
Explore Europe! Do not feel stuck in your city or small town. Visit neighbouring cities, towns and - yes - countries! The Netherlands, Brussels, France, Prague ... yes, the whole of Europe is just a (cheap) train-ride away.
Polish your foreign language skills if you have moved to a country whose lingua franca is not your mother tongue. Do not worry too much about of making mistakes during the initial stages of (re-)learning a foreign language. In most cases people are more interested in what you have to say than the mistakes you make.
Do not be afraid to dream big. Whether it is doing a PhD, going for the unconventional path of pursing a job after your Bachelors or navigating the path of an apprenticeship go for it! Doing a PhD was not on my agenda when I moved to Germany. But once it became clear to me that I wanted to work at a university, there was no turning back. By the time I embarked on my PhD I did not know of any African women with a similar biography that were working at universities in my region. Perhaps you need to be your own role model first so that those after you can have role models.
Keep in touch with family and friends back home especially those that know you well and wish you well. If you have the means visit them in person as often as you can. Living abroad can place you in an emotional bubble but it is an immense emotional strain on your family too. Seeing your family and friends helps you re-live the feeling of knowing what it's like to not have to strain yourself in order to be understood or heard. You need to re-live this feeling as much as possible.
Mariam (Wuppertal)
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